A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

and my fave -

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

lol

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen take in January?
A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

LMAO! Oh you boys...

Today is a very sad day for me, just found out my brother lost both his legs....................guess he's my half brother now. lmao

lmao. i like that one!

Just started a new band called Duvet,

We mainly just do covers.

Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice.

I was out as soon as my head hit the pilau.

Thank god for that, usually get pelters for those kind of jokes lol

I was at a hotel recently, and a sign on the bathroom door said,
"Please do not put tampons or panty liners down the toilet as it blocks our system."
Frankly, tampons and panty liners are the least of their worries given the size of the shit I took.

got a phone call asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the world..I laughed so hard I cried..if they can fit in my clothes they ain't starvin'!!

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist says, "It's simple - you are what you eat."

So the lesbian turns to her and says, "Are you calling me a c*nt?"

lol Ronin

lol Deadlychimp

Why do Scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward they'd still be on the boat.

Had to go to the doctors as every time I farted it went Honda, the doc asked if I missed anyone, I told him yes the love of my life who's away just now, he said well that's it.

Absence makes that fart go Honda.

Q: What is Higher?
A1: Food prices
A2: Gas Prices
A3: Unemployment
A4: Charlie Sheen

Lol@samiam901

U didnt choose an answer ;)

Defo A4 lol

Woman says to her man, u want dinner? Man says what's the choices? Woman says AYE OR FCKN NAW!

OH THE PAIN, THE PAIN.........

When im feeling down, I think back to my tyre collection from days gone by.

They were goodyears.

i gota admit that one is rubbish! lol

Yeah It was DC lol

Needs more dad jokes:

- What do you call a sarcastic cowboy? - Tex Piss.

- Just bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got it home it made a bolt for the door.

- What do you call cheese that's not yours? - Nacho Cheese.

haha made a bolt for the door. like it!

I was voted "most likely to travel back in time" class of 2066

Pirates don’t mind girls with big butts; in fact they love their booty!

God this hurts soooooooooooooooo much.

lmao!! YOU LOVE IT!

DeadlyChimp said:
lmao!! YOU LOVE IT!

Yeah, like masturbating with a cheese grater:slightly amusing, but mostly painful